One out of Five stars
Running time: 109 mins

A vanity project without any actual vanity, this is a messy, badly written and deeply unlikeable movie that's essentially the cinematic equivalent of being vomited on.

What's it all about?
Ex-Bread star-turned-Sliding Doors director Peter Howitt writes, directs and stars in this adaptation of a semi-autobiographical novel by Stuart Browne. He plays Noah Arkwright, a foul-mouthed British filmmaker who lives his life in a haze of drink, drugs and sex. While chasing a woman young enough to be his daughter (Rachael Stirling), Noah hits rock bottom and decides it might be time for rehab.

With his life back on track, Noah falls for a cellist named Claire (Saffron Burrows) and marries her, only to be diagnosed with cancer just as they decide to start a family.

The Bad
Dangerous Parking (terrible title, terrible film) is so unutterably awful that it's difficult to know where to begin. Its biggest problem is that Noah Arkwright is one of the most deeply unpleasant characters ever committed to celluloid, to the point where you're actually glad when he's diagnosed with cancer.

The script and direction are all over the place, presumably in a misguided attempt to convey Noah's chaotic, messed-up lifestyle, but it never really works and the constant flashbacks and flash-forwards quickly become as irritating as Arkwright himself. Similarly, the ever-present voiceover is just a string of foul-mouthed ranting and raving, meaning that you just want to scream at him to shut the hell up.

The Worst
To be fair, Hewitt throws himself into the role with a total lack of vanity, but you really have to wonder what he saw in the character in the first place, because he spends at least five different scenes either dribbling over himself or vomiting. There's also yet another wooden bit of acting from Saffron Burrows, whose shouty scene is actually painful to watch.

Worth seeing?
Make no mistake, Dangerous Parking is unquestionably one of the worst films of the year. Someone please make it go away.